Ted Cruz Raps His Way Through The Streets Of Boston
by TheKnucklesChaotix1
Summary: Ted Cruz's rapping career takes off in the back alleys and twisting streets of Boston, MA


Ted Cruz got off the plane in Boston and rapped:  
"Yo yo what's up my city  
God says you have to cover up your titty,  
I'm a player of iPhone games,  
and my favorite Saint of the Catholic Church is Saint James.  
I think Donald Trump is a menace,  
It's like he's from Dennis,  
The town in Massachusetts (God will smite it),  
Dennis is gay,  
And heterosexuality is bae."  
He walked over to the luggage return and people were staring at the weirdly proportioned Senator as he waited for his luggage:  
"My baggage (not of the emotional variety),  
Is very important to me, (if it is lost, it will give me anxiety.)"  
Unfortunately for Ted, his baggage never came around on the conveyor belt:  
"It's that familiar pang,  
In my wang,  
(wang meaning my stomach, not my phallus because that is an act against god)  
That makes me want to bomb Pyongyang,  
And see a lot of people hang and not bang.  
All in the name of God almighty,  
And not the goddess Aphrodite,  
The god of love and sex, also known as the god of SINNING,  
Praying to Jesus Christ is WINNING."  
Ted turned around, gave a menacing look at the airport officer nearby, and decided to approach him:  
"Hey you heathen,  
Wait a sec, let me stop to breathe in,  
*pause for breath*  
I don't know your name, I'll assume it's Bill,  
My luggage got lost, and it makes me wanna kill,  
That's pretty trill,  
But most importantly, it's God's will."  
"What the fuck," the airport guard said, taken aback.  
The guard pulled out his walkie talkie and said, "SECURITY! I need some backup here, there's another crazy middle aged republican man rapping at me again, this time he wants to kill me."  
Ted only continued to rap, heedless of the events unfolding before him:  
"I want a word with the airline,  
Please ignore my receding hairline,  
Someone lost my baggage and they will pay,  
Just you wait until inauguration day.  
This is TRUMP'S AMERICA, he won't stand for socialism,  
But the one thing he really loves  
Is electromagnetism."  
The guard looked terrified and spoke again into his walkie talkie. "Quick, the rapping's getting worse."  
Ted continued:  
"Mmmmm, luggage. My daughter loves luggage,  
In fact, her first words were 'I love luggage',  
Many important things reside,  
In my bag, which you hide.  
I keep my Bible handy  
And carrying it in my bag is my modus operandi,  
I hate the gays, they make me sick.  
Unlike my wife, mmm she thick,  
I really love Heidi, she's my buttered cow,  
Whenever I see her she makes me go 'wow',  
God says that you should not have sex for reasons other than procreation,  
But every night we use the poophole loophole for consummation.  
Oh yeah, my bags,  
I really love the American flag,  
In there I keep my rifle,  
Also, my wife makes a darn good trifle.  
With my gun I make machine gun bacon,  
The hearts of many women, I like to think I've taken."  
At this point, airport security approached Ted, who was still rapping.  
"Sir, I'm sorry there was a mishap with your luggage," the guard said. "We found it though, it's right here."  
The guard procured Ted Cruz's luggage out of a hole in the ground and chucked it at Ted. The Texas senator was exuberant.  
"Praise be unto God,  
And his smokin' hot bod (no homo),  
And of course these hard working blue collar american people,  
The backbone of America, you guys should come pray at my church, it's got a nice steeple."  
The security guards looked bewildered and slowly backed away as Ted continued to rap his way out the front entrance of the airport, his bag in tow:  
"Oh God almighty in heaven,  
Obama did 9/11.  
But that's not the aim,  
Technology is my game.  
I shall summon an uber,  
Through the power of God and capitalism."  
Ted Cruz went outside and called an Uber, which arrived. He took the Uber 30 feet to the silver line stop within the airport itself and got out. The driver charged him $10 dollars, $5 for the ride and $5 because of his incessant rapping throughout the trip.  
"Silver line,  
Calvin Klein,  
The capital of Liechtenstein,  
Which is Vaduz,  
I'm Ted Cruz.  
The only thing I love more than more than trains,  
Are the redneck farmers who live in the Great Plains,  
And vote for me, not Hillary,  
I want to use this gun to shoot her with some artillery.  
Sorry Jesus, that was against your teachings,  
I'm finna gonna go to church to get some preachings.  
But the Boston subway,  
It really makes me want to pray,  
Because even though I love the silver line,  
The orange line is not so fine.  
Oh, here comes the train,  
I hope it's better than Saddam Hussein."  
The train arrived, but much to Ted's horror, the silver line is not a train. In fact, it was an extended bus. Ted was distraught, but he rode the bus anyway because his Uber had already left.  
Ted turned to the person sitting next to him, which was a young man by the name of David Goldenberg.  
"The alt-right,  
Hermaphrodite,  
Sweetness and light,  
Turkish delight.  
They're pretty gucci,  
But only when they don't speak Baluchi,  
Which is a language spoken in the Middle East,  
In my bread I love an abundance of yeast."  
David looked confused. "Dude, you're Ted Cruz. Listen, I'm just going to skateboard so please stop rapping at me."  
Ted Cruz did the complete opposite:  
"Skateboarding is the devil's pastime,  
Other than getting abortions, especially at night time.  
Planned Parenthood is the Devil's skatepark,  
Instead of skating you should read about Noah's Ark.  
God is watching your every move,  
And your every sick skate trick, and your sick groove.  
Actually, I changed my mind,  
I shall come skating with you, humankind."  
"Fuck," David whispered.  
The elongated bus ground to a halt and Ted Cruz escaped with David. He robbed a nearby 7Eleven and stole a skateboard.  
"Lord, I must repent for my sins,  
I belong in a series of trash bins,  
For the crime I have just committed,  
But now I have this sick skateboard, and all have benefited.  
But oh man, I really hate gays,  
And their nasty ways,  
So lord, I hope that denouncing that lifestyle  
makes up for that vile  
Crime."  
"Do you even know how to Skate?" asked David, looking at the so-called rapper. All Ted Cruz replied with was, you guessed it, a rap:  
"It's skate or die,  
You either skate, or you fry (in hell),  
Oops, I mean to say die,  
But I will turn a blind eye.  
SOUP,  
100 cans of soup, my troupe,  
Boy do I love soup, especially when it's chunky,  
And when I'm skating while buying soup, I feel particularly funky."  
As if on cue, Ted Cruz busted a sick kickflip and skated off into the distance. Leaving David behind in awe, Ted soon reached a soup store. He went in and bought 100 cans of soup, then made for Boston Common. Along the way, he ran into a guy.  
"Ted Cruz," the guy said, approaching Ted Cruz. "I heard You have been rapping your way around Boston. Let's have a rap off."  
Without even accepting the challenge, Ted began rapping:  
"Obamacare,  
More like God's nightmare,  
To fix it we need some of the Lord's prayer,  
And maybe a billionaire."  
The man rapped back:  
"Obamacare is my shit,  
Also, fuck that guy Mitt  
Romney, he is a hypocrite,  
And let's make sure you, we do not omit."  
Ted caved and told the guy he won, then skated away crying, all the while busting some sick kickflips.  
Before long, Ted found himself in Chinatown:  
"The people's republic of China,  
Personally, I prefer North Carolina,  
Communism is gay,  
And you know how I feel about homosexuality,  
Jean Baptiste Pierre Antoine De Monet.  
I strongly dislike immigration, and people who are not white  
being in the United States, this land is our birthright.  
China has no swag,  
The entire country is a drag,  
Commies run rampant, unchecked,  
Regardless of the Mandarin or Cantonese dialect.  
But boy, do I love chinese food,  
Almost as if God himself came down from heaven and gave us freedom from involuntary servitude,  
But only straight white men, one of the most oppressed groups,  
Wow, that makes me want to go shoot some hoops."  
Ted skated his way into a back alley ghetto and played basketball against some inner city locals. He thoroughly kicked their asses.  
"Ball is life,  
And I love my wife,  
Her name is Heidi,  
And she is extremely tidy."  
Ted skated away, back to downtown Boston. To his horror, there was an LGBT pride parade happening nearby.  
"Boston, the city of heathens and sinners,  
I bet they don't have real family dinners,  
I do not support this or the Boston Bruins,  
This country has really come to ruin."  
Before Ted could rap any more, he got swept up in the wave of homosexuality. Screaming in horror, he could do nothing while everyone assumed he made a 180 on his policies and began to support basic human rights. As the parade went on, Ted became more and more mentally traumatized, and he eventually blacked out. When he woke up, he was lying in the middle of an intersection near Northeastern University. Dazed, confused, and skateboardless, he made his way back to the airport and caught the first flight back to Texas. His rapping gig in Boston had come to a close.


End file.
